Tomorrow.

We are seriously in dire need of a celebration. :)

Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes,
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Moments so dear.
Five hundred twenty-five thousand
Six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

I can't believe it's been almost a year since we started. I can't even believe that we've made it this far.

I'm at a loss for words; I can't express how much joy and fear I'm feeling. Yes, I am overjoyed but I am also full of fear because I know what we have can be taken away from us anytime.

But for what it's worth, I am happy and I won't have it any other way. :)

I've been having serious bouts of depression lately.

I am beginning to think this is already some sort of psychological or mental disorder. 

I told my Mom that I want to take the DSM-IV test to check if I really do have developmental or behavior disorder. She said my Aunt is the only one allowed to administer the test to prevent misdiagnosis.

Maybe it's just psychosomatic, but I still want to take the test so that I'd know what my problem is and how to manage it.

I have been struggling with depression for a long time now. I've become aware of this when I took Psychology 101 and Personality Psychology in college. When we briefly discussed the different personality disorders, I felt a tug in my heart. I just knew that I was going through one of those disorders.

I know that I can't just sit and wait to be "okay." I know that I should do something. And I also know that the only way I'd be okay is to go to a specialist and find out for myself.

Since my Aunt is a Developmental Pediatrician and she has access to the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), it's better that she does the diagnosis before I go to someone else.

Hmm, okay. Let me give you specifics.

I sometimes think I have Bi-Polar or or Manic-Depressive Disorder. 

Hmm, Wikipedia says that, "Bipolar disorder is a condition in which people experience abnormally elevated (manic or hypomanic) and, in many cases, abnormally depressed states for periods of time in a way that interferes with functioning." That is a BIG CHECK for me. No more explaining need, eh? Hahaha. 

Anyway... On to different things.

---

After getting inhumanely and unjustly laid off for almost 5 months, I am just so glad that the worst is almost over.

I say almost because we our case against our previous company is still with National Labor Relations Commission and I don't think we are nearing a decision. I do hope that we win, though.

Ken and I have just hired a lawyer, and boy, he's not cheap!

So yeah, I really hope we win this case.

Transcom's lawyer/representative said that the company is willing to reinstate us. That's a nicer way of saying, "No, we don't want to pay." Of course, we don't want to go back. I don't think I can still work well after what they've done to us.

It's been almost six months, and if they were to follow the letter that they've served to us, we should be recalled to work with the same position and salary. Ken and I already have work and we both don't want to work there again. We're just after what we're due - which I think is reasonable. We're no longer even asking for moral damages. We're just asking for severance pay and backwages. If they can afford paying heaps of money undeserving managers, then I suppose paying us what's due us would be easy for them.

I am moving on, if only the case would be over soon!

So, I'm back to being a corporate slave again. I've been at it for almost 3 months and I still haven't adjusted well.

For one thing, I'm no longer holding a position. I really don't mind, it's nice being able to go home on time and not having to bring home work. But yeah, I'm still adjusting. I cannot just throw away what I've learned when I was still a trainer. It will always be with me. 

I have been particulary struggling with unlearning the training policies I've adhered to for almost 2 years. I thought Transcom's training process was not good but when I transferred to a new company, I realized that what we had then was great. Of course, that's in reference to what we have now.

So what do I exactly do? I'm an HR Services Agent. It's very similar to the usual call center work but our job function is Human Resources. That being said, we handle Data Administration, Payroll and Benefits for one of the call centers in the US. It's safe to say that we're the HR officers for the company. We're first point of contact if employees have issues pertaining to their employment status, benefits, and paychecks.

Not bad, eh?

Hmm, yeah. Not bad at all. :)

Lately, I have been scouring the internet for two things – no/low capital business ideas and recipes.

Recipes… I have been bringing baon to work and I always try to bring something appetizing or at least palatable (haha). I make it a point to come up with a weekly menu to make sure that I don’t repeat anything on a two/three-week basis. Yeah, I’m OC like that. Haha.

And since I already have a fridge, I can now stock “fresh” stuff like pork, beef, chicken, hotdog, veggies, oh the list goes on. I am so happy. Haha. At least I no longer eat canned goods everyday. :))

Since starting work, I was able to experiment with a lot of recipes and yes, I already have quite a lot tucked under my belt. Yay for me :)

So far, these are the dishes I’ve tried:
- Adobo 
- Kaldereta
- Sisig
- Picadillo
- Sinigang
- Five-spice braised pork
- Chicken and broccoli stir fry
- Grilled chicken and herbed eggplant
- Pork tapa
- Corned beef koroke
- Sardine croquettes
- Tuna in lemon butter sauce

And a whole lot more. My memory fails me. Haha. All I know is that they’ve been satisfying. For me, at least. LOL. I have also tried to make chocolate peanut butter squares and they were oh-so-awesome.

My next project is to buy a turbo broiler so that I can start baking and roasting and doing a whole lot more (wala akong pambili ng gas range eh!).

So there, that’s why I’ve been searching the net for recipes so that I can cook and make more dishes. :))


My other obsession is looking for no/low capital business ideas. It’s kinda related to my obsession above, I really want to get into something small and earn extra cash.

I have seen some sites on Multiply which are giving opportunities for those who want to become resellers. My top pick is The Perfect White Tee, Their terms are fairly reasonable and the designs are cute.

This is also the reason why I try to experiment with food and pastries. It might be my, uhm, ticket to fame. LOL.

So yes, I am bored and not really very satisfied with work. I realized that I am not getting any younger and I have to get my act together,

So friends, if you have any suggestions, do let me know. ;)

Just some work-related rants...


Every trainer should know that one of the most important tools needed in training is an agenda. If the agenda is incomplete or if there’s no agenda at all, the training would definitely be chaotic.

The first two weeks of training (Communications and Culture Training) with Abi went on just fine. I can’t say it was always smooth, but at least the trainees’ expectations were always set with what we were going to do everyday.

During the first day of training, we were already provided with the agenda for the whole duration of training. It wasn’t really followed to the last bit but at least there was structure.

When Product Training started, it was okay for sometime. We were not provided an over-all agenda for the whole duration of the training. We were just given a daily agenda and unfortunately, it was almost always not followed.

I understand that there are a lot of challenges since we are just launching the campaign, however, I guess it’s also important to understand that one of the most important people involved in this situation would be the trainees. We are the front-liners and it’s an understatement to say that the success of this launch is in our hands.

It’s sad to note that while they are doing everything in their power to make sure that we learn everything we need to be effective in our job, they sometimes forget that we should be working together.

There have been times that we are given assessment/s which covers topics we have not yet discussed in class. Yes, we have the Online Reference Guide and Online Learning Guide to help us; however, each person would have a different interpretation of the material. Yes, it’s common sense, but we have to understand that not everyone thinks alike. I also understand that we are all adults, but again, we also have different learning styles.

Again, everything goes back to making sure that before the start of the training class (not just session), a training agenda is always ready. It doesn’t mean that we have to follow it to the dot but it’s something to guide us through the whole training process. As I see it now, we are sometimes left hanging if trainers need to join a meeting or a conference call. I completely understand that since we’re in the midst of a migration, a lot of things have to be done; however, trainees are left with nothing to do. Not everyone would have the initiative to study the topics which we haven’t covered yet. Some would browse through the systems, others would take the time to sit back and just relax, while some others would do whatever they wish. We are all adults, it is harder to impose rules and by saying that, it doesn’t mean that we don’t like rules. It’s just that if no one would lay out what we’re supposed to do, then we won’t know.

Another issue is systems. It’s hard to absorb and understand information if we don’t have access to the systems (e.g. some CVG Portal links, AMS, etc.) Again, I understand where the challenge is coming from, but then again, I hope they also understand that we are also under pressure as much as they are. We can probably utilize workarounds for system issues, maybe create screenshots or simulations for us so that we’ll understand better.

Also, the setup of the training room (if it really is a training facility), is not very conducive and effective for learning. The U-setup is fine, but not everyone can properly see the screen if they’re staying at the back. The cables are also causing a lot of mishaps and this may cause more safety issues in the future if this continues. I believe the company would be able to come up with a better workaround to ensure that everyone is safe. In the past two weeks, we have also experienced a lot of power interruptions in the training room, and I believe that it isn’t very safe if this ensues.

We have also encountered a lot of confusion with the tagging of the computers. Shouldn’t this be done by IT staff? If they are understaffed, then we could’ve done a workaround like disregard the original tag numbers and just make sure that whatever stations we have been assigned to are properly labeled with our names. We are not complaining but what if we mishandled one of the equipment? We are not IT professionals, and if damage was done, then we may be at fault.

Lastly, we are about to go on nesting in the next few days, and I still feel under-equipped. We still have a lot to know about HR Admin and Benefits and we are very grateful for all the efforts they have put in. But we’re still not very confident since there are still a lot of information to cover. Like what I have mentioned earlier, there are still systems we don’t have access to. And knowing how these systems work is very important. If there is really no way to have access to some of the systems, at least provide us with screenshots so that we can be familiar.

There are a lot of challenges. I hope that they would just understand that we are all in the same boat here, and as much as we try to understand them, we also need them to try and place themselves in our situation.

At the end of the day, we are still the front-liners; we get the beating first before anyone else.


Whew.

I have been thinking about something worthwhile to write about lately… There are a lot of things clouding my thoughts but I have two top picks – college and work.

First off – let’s talk about college.

It has been four years since I walked out of the university and the feelings have not changed one bit – I still miss it. I miss a lot of things about UP. It’s not just the place but also the experiences. Needless to say, a lot of “life-changing” moments happened there. Well, it was life-changing for me back then. Now that I’m a bit more matured, I realize that the things I worried about then were not really the biggies in real life.

Anyway, that’s not the point of this blog.

Nowadays, when I think about college, I feel regret. I wish I followed what my heart told me when I was in first year – SHIFT! Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love my course. I didn’t regret taking Speech Comm and meeting charming people who have become my closest friends. But if I had the chance, I would have taken an entirely different course. I wish I had taken up Psychology instead. 

Another regret would be not taking my course seriously. I don’t want to say that Speech is no good. It’s one good course, actually. It’s just sad that they weren’t able to maximize the curriculum. There are a lot of opportunities. Speech Comm has a lot of branches, and I don’t see the point of taking Speech 100 where we were given all the sub-fields of Speech Comm. The reason I stayed in the program was the hope that we will be given a chance to choose one field to major in.

If that happened, what field would I have chosen? Hmm. Interpersonal comm, group comm, political comm, intercultural comm, and a lot more. Sadly, almost all our majors were just mere overviews of what the field is all about.

I took up Rhetoric, Argumentation and Debate, and Parliamentary Procedures. These three courses are under one field – Political Communication. Kulang pa para maging major. 

The courses I took were all a mishmash of fields. We didn’t have a choice, there were just not much majors to choose from.

That’s why I feel bad about not shifting to a different course. Maybe, just maybe, I would’ve used whatever skills I have to better use. 

---

Next topic….

Work.

Let me just say two words – it’s disappointing.

---

Regrets. Damn regrets.

Patience has never been one of my virtues. That’s one constant item in my daily prayers. I always ask the Lord to give and teach me patience. And since I always pray for it, the Lord never fails to put me to the test. I don’t mind if it’s something physical – ask me to wait for you, I will. I have always been patient with my friends especially during college. I can wait for hours on end; I wouldn’t give a damn.

But there’s something about emotional waiting. It’s very different from waiting for someone to come. The waiting game is no longer just about sitting in a café and looking at your watch every fifteen minutes. Emotional waiting involves more than time – it doesn’t involve time at all. Okay, let me backtrack a bit.

What does emotional waiting constitute anyway? 

Hmm, well. It’s so much like the book By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept. Time isn’t used in the same context as physical waiting. With physical waiting, there is a timeframe concerned. Time is of the essence. With emotional waiting, there’s still the aspect of time but there are no timeframes, you’ll never know when the “time” will come. And because waiting can stretch on till forever, it takes too much from the heart.

Emotional waiting reminds me of the play Waiting for Godot. The play started and ended with two men waiting for someone named Godot under a tree along a country road. They waited for someone who never came.

This is the part of waiting I hate the most. You can be left hanging until you decide to quit. It is not just about waiting for someone, it can be anything. It can be for an opportunity, a goal to be completed, a dream to come true, the list goes on. It can be anything at any given situation.

The painful thing about waiting is that, sometimes, you keep on waiting but you don’t realize that it’s time to stop. And worse, nobody tells us that we should stop. Truth be told, no one really knows when to stop. We just keep on waiting and hoping that one day, the stars would shine for us.

So… Why am I writing about this?

It’s safe to say that I am currently playing the waiting game. I’m not waiting for something tangible, really. I’m waiting for my heart to heal, but the problem is, it gets battered every single day. I don’t know if I can still keep up; I don’t know if my heart can still take it. I don’t know when this will stop. I don’t know a lot of things. I wish I knew, but life’s set up that way.

All I can do is wait.

And wait I do, every single day. I don’t care if it would take a long time. I don’t care if it may never happen.

Along with waiting, I wish that somehow, things would turn differently when the dawn breaks.

And everyday, along with asking for patience and wishing upon some unknown star, I also ask God to hold my heart and keep it from breaking.

I am officially turning over a new leaf in my life.

The past three months have been very terrible. It all started with getting laid off from work without notice. I cannot find the right words to describe how it felt. Unjust, cruel, unfair, to say the least. My patience, faith, strength, grace, and everything positive have been tested severely and I'm glad I have come out of it alive. I wouldn't have made it without the help and support of my family and friends, but most of all, without the grace and faithfulness of the One Above.

I am just very thankful that the worse, for this year at least, is finally over. I don't want to become complacent, I know that the tests and trials wouldn't really end, but at least I know that whatever happens, there's someone I can hold on to. And that person is, hmm, me. It always starts with me.

As I'm turning over a new leaf, I guess it's about time for me to value myself more than I ever did in my life.

I have doubted and second-guessed myself so much. I have always been the pessimistic, cynic, and pensive one. I am afraid of failure, so I don't really try to go for the things I want. I am afraid of disappointment, so I try not to expect a lot from people. I am afraid of rejection, so I try to keep my thoughts to myself.

I am afraid. I fear a lot of things.

Maybe it's high time that I go out of my comfort zone and just let myself go. After all, I only have one life to live, so what do I have to lose?

And as one of my favorite Rent songs goes:

Forget regret-- or life is yours to miss.
No other road
No other way
No day but today

There's only now
There's only here
Give in to love
Or live in fear
No other path
No other way
No day but today.

Exactly what this blog is all about. :)

Hey you.

I am in pain. So great I can't even find a word to describe it. I'm trying to search my heart what's causing this pain but there's just nothing that could justify it. I guess it's my mind again. Maybe, that's what you always tell me. I try not to think about anymore. My mind and heart are completely disconnected from each other, I try to busy myself with other things but my heart... It's just there. I can't ignore the fact that it's still in pain. Hurting. The pain gets worse at times, it's as if I can already feel its intensity on my skin. It's so real I can feel the physical pain. And that's when I notice that I've never really stopped crying. The tears are just tucked away, but they're lurking in the shadows. Tell me that you love me, and they're bound to fall. No, I am not complaining. I am simply letting you know that right now, I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I am not stable, thus the mood swings. I am not okay. I am far from being okay. I would no longer ask you for patience or understanding. All I need you to do is hold my hand. Wait for me. And stay with me. I cannot promise you good days all the time. There will always be days like these - emotional breakdowns here and there, but I do know that there are also days when the sun comes out and I hope that you'll be there through it all.

I love you, always.

The last few weeks have been crazy for me. I just started working again after three months. I am still adjusting to the night shift schedule, the new people, company culture... and a whole lot of things.




The biggest issue would probably be trying to fit in normally. I don't have any issues about going back to square one, back to the bottom of the corporate ladder. It's fine, that's less responsibilities for me at almost the same pay. Hah.




You see, we're still working together. In the same class. As trainees. And I just can't act normally around him. He tells me that he's acting normal but I know he's not. It's just different. I hate it.




There have been times that I've doubted this decision but it's too late and I'm not one who gives up. I don't like quitting. I am not a quitter. Maybe all I'm looking for is an assurance that this is worth it.